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Subject: The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father confronted her:
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line! Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother thru??
" The girl, crying, replied, ".... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye WHAT!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"
"OK, Dad, as ye wish... I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, the title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million savings certificate. Also, for me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked out side, plus a membership to the country club..... (takes a breath)......and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera and......"
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" interrupts Dad. ".... a prostitute, Daddy! ."
"Oh, BeGorrah and BeJesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"
Once in a blue moon.
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After examining the husband, the doctor said to him: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?"       

"In fact, I do,"said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly. " 

 After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.  The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"  "The daft old bugger!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"

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Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Q: What's a condom and a coffin got in common?
A: They both hold stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!
Q: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during sex? A: During sex cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge source=:)
Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?
A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time! Sex is like math. Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply! Sex is like a misdemeanor , the more I miss it, da meaner I get
Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count ?
A: If she has to chew before she can swallow.
Q: Two potatoes are standing on a corner, how can you tell which one is a prostitute?
A: The one that says IDAHO!
Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me I am going in! 
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A: Call her and tell her.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died!
Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...?
A: "Is it in?"
Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
A: I want you inside me!
Girl: "Hey, what's up?" Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"
Q: What’s the difference between you and eggs?
A: Eggs get laid and you don’t
Q: What do you call mobile porn? A: Flash Drive